By Kelly Bridgewater
I call this the latest tug on my heart. I know it might not mean much to some. It might even be called ranting, but this green-eyed monster has been tugging at my heart for a while, so I wanted to confess my latest wanderings. If you missed the first part, here is the link. It should take you back to part one of my story. Return next week, where I will tell you what I do to defeat the green-eye monster.
Michael was a mechanic, so companies would fire him every ninety days because they didn’t want to pay benefits. It was hard to try to raise a new baby while being the bread winner for the family. We had problems with the hospital of Indianapolis, so we left and moved in with his parents in Terre Haute. Having a built-in baby-sitter, I went to college at the Indiana State University. For the first time in a long time, I started to feel like myself again. I had two boys at home, and we rented a two bedroom house, but I loved taking classes at college. I finished my bachelors and had three boys by then. I went to graduate school at the same college while being a graduate assistant who had grad school paid for with a salary of $7,000 a year. Not much to live off. My husband finally had a steady job while I was attending school, and Mike’s aunt watched the kids for free.
We finally bought a house with 2,500 square feet with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, but it is in town, which is not what we wanted at all. We wanted a house in the middle of the country.
While Michael and I have no debt but the house, which will be paid off in eight years and nine months, Michael and I still dream of more for our lives. I have sent out 230 job applications since I graduated with my Masters in 2012 to a number of publishing companies, newspapers, magazines, and local jobs. I’m overeducated for some. Undereducated for others. What gives! I can’t even find a decent paying job for the education I have.
I have struggled and followed God, and I still have nothing to show for it.
Back to the friend, a number of them have started this writing venture that I have been on since I could learn to write, a couple of years ago, now they are winning contests, being invited to appear on all these blogs, and being recognized in the writing community.
The green-eyed monster keeps telling me that it isn’t fair. They haven’t struggled for anything in their lives. God has given them everything on a silver platter.
Why not me? Where is my invitation to guest appear on popular writing blogs? Where is my recognition for writing? I have been writing forever. I have a Masters in Writing. I have four complete manuscripts. I have the degrees to work at the publishing companies.
But I do not have the “right” degree to work at the top notch publishing companies. I attend the ACFW conference and know a bunch of writers, agents, and editors in the publishing business. I write at least 2, 500 words every day. I have entered a number of contests. I struggle with writing Deep POV. I have seen my writing improve since I started the ACFW, but I still need to work on my writing. I know that. I have studied all the “great” writing craft books. I have read and read the great books, studying how they handle aspects of the writing crafts.
We only make 30,000 a year, so we really do not have a lot of money to spend on lavish vacations or expensive writing retreats.
I keep asking God. If you want what’s best for us, then how come I do not have a publishing career or a job in a publishing company? I feel like God has abandoned me because of one mistake when I was nineteen. I have struggled my entire life while I watch my friends have all my dreams or their dreams realized without any problems in their path.
I do not mean to be so whiny, but this has been on my heart for a while, and I wanted share my confession with others. Maybe someone will lift me up in prayer. I certainly have spent a lot of times on my news, praying and worshiping.
Ever feel that way? Return next week, where I’ll tell you what I do to try to defeat the green-eyed monster.