By Kelly Bridgewater
Earlier this year, our Sunday School class did a Bible study on
Forgiveness. When we started, I couldn't come up with anyone I needed to
But of course, as the class progressed, I
realized I do have three people who have wronged me, and I may not have
told them, but I have felt the sting of their hurt even today.
Here they are: (Wow! This is heart wrenching to actually admit this!)
This isn't about Jesus forgiving me for my sins. I completely accept his death on the cross for my sins. I trust in him for loving me. I trust in him with my whole heart.
But . . .
there is an area in my past that I think Jesus hasn't forgiven me. I know that sounds sacriregilous. That isn't even possible, is it?
I created my first son out of wedlock.
I think and sometimes believe God is still punishing me for this sin because of where my life is. Not great paying jobs. Not enough money to actually pursue anything we want. Allowing us to financially do something last year that we worked really hard to avoid. Everytime, we save a little money for something. Like a vacation or something really neat for the boys. Something breaks.
Like the transmission for my Suburban.
The water heater.
The air conditioner.
The head gasket on my husband's truck.
Band money for my middle son.
New bathroom because the bathroom broke and they haven't made that part in over fifty years.
New kitchen because we had a huge rat and mouse problem every fall and winter.
I want a life where I can travel, but every time I save up money for a vacation, God allows something to break, and I have to use the money.
The only real vacation our family has taken in seventeen years is a trip to Disney World and guess what, I didn't even fund that. My husband's aunt left us money when she died to take the boys.
Disclaimer: If you completely disagree with my thinking of God holding a grudge against me, please don't say anything mean. I know it probably isn't true, but it feels like it to me.
I know this complaint sounds funny. But doesn't it say in the Bible, that if we believe in you, then all things work out for good. Then what happened with me?
I know I sinned with my husband before we were married. I have asked for your forgiveness, but it still feels like I'm being punished by not allowing me to find a decent job that I can use my smart brain for.
I pray for blessings for our family. I pray for a job where I can bring home a decent paycheck and be able to use this smart brain that you have given me. I pray we earn money to take wonderful vacations and can spend time together as a family.