Defeating the Green Monster

By Kelly Bridgewater

Before you read this post, I would like you to read my heart-wrenching story of how the green-eyed monster has gripped my heart. Here are the links to: Part I  and  Part II. Read them first!! Please !!

It makes me pretty vulnerable, but I think it is necessary to show what today’s post is going to be about.

We have all been jealous of someone else’s success or life. It hits me a lot. I cry and hate that I did not get handed the better plate in life.

But I have some steps that I take to keep the green-eyes monster of jealousy at bay.

1.)    I pray for that person.

I know it sounds funny. But when I start to feel upset, I close my eyes and pray for the tinge of jealousy to move on. Then I bring that person to mind and pray for them. Sometimes it is a struggle, but I want to reap blessings on that person.

2.)    Worship and pray

Remind myself of the Great God that I serve. He wants what is the best for my life, even though it is really easy to remember sometimes. Spending some time focusing on God and reminding myself of what he has accomplished in my life brings a smile to my face.

3.)    Write

Sounds funny, but I pull out my laptop or journal and write. It does not have to be long, but something to prove that God gave me this desire for a reason. No matter how much I try to walk away because I get frustrated, God pulls me right back in and begs me to write the story he has placed on my heart.

What do you do when the green-eyed monster of jealousy attacks you?

The Green Monster (Part II)

By Kelly Bridgewater

I call this the latest tug on my heart. I know it might not mean much to some. It might even be called ranting, but this green-eyed monster has been tugging at my heart for a while, so I wanted to confess my latest wanderings. If you missed the first part, here is the link. It should take you back to part one of my story. Return next week, where I will tell you what I do to defeat the green-eye monster.

Here goes:

Michael was a mechanic, so companies would fire him every ninety days because they didn’t want to pay benefits. It was hard to try to raise a new baby while being the bread winner for the family. We had problems with the hospital of Indianapolis, so we left and moved in with his parents in Terre Haute. Having a built-in baby-sitter, I went to college at the Indiana State University. For the first time in a long time, I started to feel like myself again. I had two boys at home, and we rented a two bedroom house, but I loved taking classes at college.  I finished my bachelors and had three boys by then. I went to graduate school at the same college while being a graduate assistant who had grad school paid for with a salary of $7,000 a year. Not much to live off. My husband finally had a steady job while I was attending school, and Mike’s aunt watched the kids for free.

We finally bought a house with 2,500 square feet with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, but it is in town, which is not what we wanted at all. We wanted a house in the middle of the country.

While Michael and I have no debt but the house, which will be paid off in eight years and nine months, Michael and I still dream of more for our lives. I have sent out 230 job applications since I graduated with my Masters in 2012 to a number of publishing companies, newspapers, magazines, and local jobs. I’m overeducated for some. Undereducated for others. What gives! I can’t even find a decent paying job for the education I have.

I have struggled and followed God, and I still have nothing to show for it.

Back to the friend, a number of them have started this writing venture that I have been on since I could learn to write, a couple of years ago, now they are winning contests, being invited to appear on all these blogs, and being recognized in the writing community.

The green-eyed monster keeps telling me that it isn’t fair. They haven’t struggled for anything in their lives. God has given them everything on a silver platter.

Why not me? Where is my invitation to guest appear on popular writing blogs? Where is my recognition for writing? I have been writing forever. I have a Masters in Writing. I have four complete manuscripts. I have the degrees to work at the publishing companies.

But I do not have the “right” degree to work at the top notch publishing companies. I attend the ACFW conference and know a bunch of writers, agents, and editors in the publishing business. I write at least 2, 500 words every day. I have entered a number of contests. I struggle with writing Deep POV. I have seen my writing improve since I started the ACFW, but I still need to work on my writing. I know that.  I have studied all the “great” writing craft books. I have read and read the great books, studying how they handle aspects of the writing crafts.

We only make 30,000 a year, so we really do not have a lot of money to spend on lavish vacations or expensive writing retreats.

I keep asking God. If you want what’s best for us, then how come I do not have a publishing career or a job in a publishing company? I feel like God has abandoned me because of one mistake when I was nineteen. I have struggled my entire life while I watch my friends have all my dreams or their dreams realized without any problems in their path. 

I do not mean to be so whiny, but this has been on my heart for a while, and I wanted share my confession with others. Maybe someone will lift me up in prayer. I certainly have spent a lot of times on my news, praying and worshiping. 

Ever feel that way?  Return next week, where I’ll tell you what I do to try to defeat the green-eyed monster.

The Green-Eyed Monster (Part I)

By Kelly Bridgewater

Today, I want to talk about the green-eyed monster that slips out in every person’s life at some time. Lately, I have been dealing with him a lot. Mostly because of the success of some other writers, friends, and cousins. This is going to be tough to read. It is what has been on my heart for a while now. Please, don’t comment with hateful words. This is just my personal feelings. Think of it as a journal entry.

First, let me give you a little background on how the green-eyed monster crept into my life. I have a friend, who I won’t mention their names. They grew up in a wealthy neighborhood. You know the ones with huge houses, nice manicured lawns, and new cars in the driveway. Every Christmas, this friend received all the best toys on the market and wore name brand clothes. They attended an expensive private Christian school and went to church all their lives. On the way to college, they attended an expensive one and succeeded at their degree. They met the “perfect” guy, fell in love, and had the expensive glamorous wedding at the resort. They married, bought a home, and have the perfect life with the painless pregnancy.  Never a blimp in the road. Everything goes as plan. No struggles. Never having to work for anything.

But my story is a little different. I grew up with parents that moved every two years because we rented and my father kept using credit cards to buy what he wanted instead of paying the electric bill or the water bill. You do not know how embarrassing it is to run next door and ask to fill up five gallon camping containers for water because your father forgot to pay the water bill. My parents argued all the time. My mother promising to leave my father as soon as my little sister graduated from high school, which happened. I graduated from high school with dreams of going away for college, meeting the great Christian guy, and living the great life in a log cabin in the woods. But plans changed that. All through high school, I attended church and really stuck to God’s Word. I read it. I devoured the Word of God. I loved worship music. I couldn’t get enough. I stayed away from drugs, alcohol, and sex, even though my friends were doing all of them. I did not get invited to these parties because I was religious. They did not want to hang out with me at times, even ditched me at school dances because they wanted to go drink and get drunk. Not my thing. Oh, as a side note, they are now avid Christians with the perfect Christian wives and are the ones quoting Scriptures on Facebook. Funny, how that worked out.

When I applied for FAFSA (government aid) to attend college my senior year, they said I was getting no government help. I had to take out loans. The college I want to attend was $25,000 a year. I cried. My father made too much money but had no money to help me. I was devastated, so I went to IUPUI (Indiana University-Purdue University of Indianapolis) to start my schooling. While there, I met some Christian college kids, and I started hanging out with them. I met my future husband. One night, we slipped up and had sex. A couple of months, I found out we were expecting my son, Elijah. We planned a wedding. Not expensive at all. My in-laws paid for everything because my parents didn’t have any money or refused to give it up. I’m shy when I meet people for the first time, so I didn’t speak up and mention that the whole wedding was not my taste. I allowed Michael to make all the choices. It was not my ideal wedding.

This is only the first part of the story. Return next Friday, May 15 and I will continue my narrative. Do not forget to return on Friday, May 22, where I tell you how I defeat or hold him at bay until he peeks his head up again.  

How does my story ring true with you? Are you ever visited by the green-eyed monster?